𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒔𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒐 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒆 𝒂𝒇𝒕𝒆𝒓

[ At first you may hear some rustling, followed by a few tapping sounds, like the user of this strange electronic device has never recorded an audio note before or something. ]

Oi. Is this thing on?

[ There's a brief pause before he seems satisfied that this thing is, in fact, on. The voice is a bit gruff, deep and thickly accented, like fantasy British except he's from fantasy Yorkshire. He clears his throat. ]

Seein' as there's some apparent misconceptions about witches in this world, I'm here to spread a bit o' witch awareness. I'm Olruggio, a witch, so I'd say I'm somethin' of an authority on the matter.

First off, witches don't look like that. We're not green and warty and we don't cackle like mardy liongoats flyin' about on brooms. Enchanted brooms would still be for sweepin', obviously, but they'd do most of the work for you, or else what would even be the point? [Grumbling: ] A broom would make for a terrible flying contraption anyway, how would you even keep your balance on a twig like that? Ridiculous. [ A little cough. ] ... As I was saying, witches serve the people, providin' them with useful magic to improve their way of living.

Second, about the hats: they're not brimmed, least they ought not to be. If you happen to see a real witch wearin' a brimmed cap, avoid them at all cost. Brimmed Cap witches are extremely dangerous, usin' forbidden magic and the like. They've got no scruples about castin' transfiguration magic on human bodies, wipin' memories without provocation, tormenting children, and all other manner of wicked things. They're a rotten bunch--do not engage with 'em.

... I suppose that's all I've got to say on the matter for the time bein'. Now, how do you turn this thing o--